gearing up

Under 200!

Today it IS official: 199.0.

But unlike yesterday, today I look ahead and see challenge upon challenge.

Scott's parents have arrived. (I'm still at work, but leaving early). Tonight we're going to Chevys cuz they're big texmex fans. So am I, unfortunately. :-) My strategy? Um. Wish I could say I had one. Instead, I'm skipping lunch and saving up the calories. And even though I know it's wrong to starve all day, then blow it in one big feast, it's the only option I could come up. I can't, do you hear me? CAN'T sit there and not eat chips and salsa. Will. Not. Happen. So, I've got a little over a 1000 calories to play with. (I didn't skip breakfast and I've been snacking here at the desk -- fat free pretzels and lo fat string cheese . . .)

We'll see where I end up when I hit calorieking.com and enter everything . . .

And they're here for the weekend, at least (unless Scott can talk them into staying a few days longer). Which is a great thing -- I adore these people! But I'm such a bad dieter -- I am so easily swayed. It's going to be really really difficult to try to eat reasonably.

The key will be control. To make sure I decide (which means, actually consider the options and CHOOSE) what I eat. And don't eat. My hope is to be in control the whole time, even if I splurge a little, a controlled splurge instead of, Oh it's a special occasion. Fuck it.

Deep breath. In with the good air, out with the bad.

Calm blue oceans . . . and into the weekend . . .

That's not official until tomorrow, of course. But today should be an easy day, food-wise. No bon voyage pizza parties I can't get out of. No staff birthdays to contend with. I don't forsee any reason I won't be able to claim my 199.0. That doesn't mean the Scalegod won't smite me. LOL. But I'll be happy to post anything under 200 tomorrow.

I feel lighter. Not in a fewer pounds way, but in a living-breathing walking around way. I noticed it yesterday, so it's not just tied to the scale. But it's a nice feeling. I don't know how to describe it except, lighter. As in, not full. Maybe that's it. Maybe I just don't feel full all the time.

The really weird thing is, I didn't feel full all the time before. I was always hungry. Always. No matter how much I ate, or how recently I ate, or whatever. I was hungry. Even though, physically, I had to be full.

Makes me think all psychobabbly. Makes me wonder what I was really doing, why I was really shoving all that food in my mouth -- it certainly wasn't physical need. Nobody who's 5'2" and weighs 205.2 pounds needs food.

I suspect that until I figure that out -- I'll be vulnerable to sidetracking or hijacking or whatever the hell it is that happens to me, that makes me stop trying. Whatever it is that makes me let go of something that I reallyREALLY want.

Bea and I talk about this sometimes, when we're walking along the canal. But I can't get past the happiness factor. I'm happy with everything else in my life. I like my life. What could possibly be missing?

I can't figure it out because I refuse to think beyond that. Somehow, some way, I'm going to figure out a way to get healthy AND hang on to my happy life.